How long to apologize

Apologizing in person is best. But if you can't bring yourself to have a conversation in person, write a note. Whichever way you decide to communicate, be sure that you'd feel comfortable if anything you say is shared with other friends, too. Hopefully, your friends can accept your apology. But don't be discouraged if it doesn't happen instantly.

Some people are quick to forgive. Others may have to think about what you said and need time to get over hurt feelings or anger, or to rebuild trust. Do your best with the part that's up to you. The rest is up to them. Forgive yourself, too. But Frantz cautioned that the apology curve is most likely U-shaped: Apologies that come too late, like those that come too early, are likely to fail; the sweet spot is somewhere between the two.

It may be that later apologies work best for more discrete conflicts, while earlier ones prevail for deeper, open-ended ones. For a study published in the Western Journal of Communication , researchers videotaped 60 heterosexual couples discussing preexisting relationship issues, like annoying habits or disagreements over how they should spend their time together.

For conversations shorter than 10 minutes, the study found, people tended to be more satisfied with a later apology from their partner.

But if the conversation lasted longer than 10 minutes, the couples tended to judge their disputes as more damaging— more likely to touch on questions of trust and jealousy, for example—and preferred an apology earlier in the discussion. Instead, you choose an entirely different and much more expensive new model in an effort to convey how truly sorry you are.

While you might imagine a lavish gesture, or an apology you repeat every time you see them, shows your extreme contriteness, it can actually have a negative effect. Over-the-top apologies can seem mocking and insincere.

Requesting forgiveness is an important part of the apology, because it gives the person you wronged some agency in the situation. The process of forgiveness can take time, and you may need to do some work, like making amends and addressing problematic behaviors, in order to earn it.

Apologies can heal damage in relationships after mistakes or thoughtless behavior. But apologizing when you did nothing wrong, simply to prevent conflict , can affect your sense of self-worth and ultimately damage you. One situation where you have nothing to apologize for? Rejecting someone romantically. In fact, research suggests that apologizing when you reject someone may make them feel worse.

These changes, when made with sincerity, can help you earn forgiveness — but they can also help you avoid making the same mistakes again. Crystal Raypole has previously worked as a writer and editor for GoodTherapy. Her fields of interest include Asian languages and literature, Japanese translation, cooking, natural sciences, sex positivity, and mental health.

With public apologies at an all-time high, we could all use a refresher on the art of apologizing. Rebuilding trust in a relationship is no small task, but it is possible. Whether you've been betrayed or hurt your loved one, we've got you covered on…. Give your communication style a makeover. All rights reserved. Apologizing is about owning up to your mistakes, not making excuses for them.

Even if your intentions were good, you still have to own up to the harm you caused. Waiting too long to apologize can make a bad situation worse. Suggest a correction. Newsletter Sign Up.